Friday, May 27, 2011

Nerves

Today is the day I've been anxiously awaiting since the end of March: hubby comes home after nine long weeks of training.

Normally, I'm overcome by excitement for the entire week. I usually can't stop thinking about how I can't wait to pick him up at the airport. And while this time I am no less excited than usual, I'm finding myself having a new emotion about him coming home: I'm nervous.

Derek left two weeks after we found out I was pregnant. He left me while my body was essentially the same-looking, and the only changes going on were well within me. I was sick, not sleeping, not cooking, not hungry for anything but saltines and ginger ale, and exhaustingly overly-emotional. I know, he missed all the good parts.

Now it's nine weeks later, and I am 16 weeks pregnant. I am sleeping, cooking, cleaning,  and not so overly-crazed with emotions (ok, well, maybe a little...)....but I'm also developing the appetite of a small elephant, growing a belly the likes of which I never could have imagined, having to pee every five minutes, wearing prego bras and maternity jeans, and rubbing cocoa butter all over in a desperate attempt to slow the stretch marks that seem to be overtaking my tummy with a vengeance (which, I'm officially now referring to as battle scars). To say that I'm a bit nervous to see my husband, and let him see me, is an understatement.

What will he think of me now? Will he love my belly...and my stretch marks? Will he think my maternity clothes are ugly or weird? Will he tease me for how hungry I might be, or what I might be hungry for, or how often I have to pause the DVR to pee? Will the sight of his pregnant wife freak him out all together, or will he love it?

I know I probably sound totally irrational, but I can't help it. Never before has Derek returned from being away, whether it be deployments, training or even me being away at college...to find me looking so physically different, and being so emotionally different. I don't really know what to expect with his reaction to me, and I'm almost fearing this unknown.

This time he's not coming home to me, he's coming home to pregnant me...

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